Day 18 The Grief Shift
Do you think of your pain as an enemy or have you made friends with it? Where are you in your grief journey?
Well. I wouldn't say that I'm friends with it. I'd say I bounce back and forth between Anger and Depression. I think I've found acceptance, but I haven't. I still can't even say the words out loud, to myself or others, without getting overwhelmed with sadness in my heart- "My baby died." So, still working on acceptance. I don't want it to be real, even still. The anger comes from the feeling that I've been a victim of some kind of senseless crime. Like we were targeted. We were "chosen" and the gift was never ending grief. Why? And when I have exhausted myself thinking of why's and what if's and if only's then I settle into depression. And yes, everyone else will move on, because that's normal. But a part of me will stay behind, mourning the memory of Pearl forever. And that is depressing.
So I don't see grief as a journey, with a beginning and ending right now. I see it as walking an infinite loop, wearing a rut in the ground, getting deeper and deeper...
Day 19 Earth Love
Do something good for the planet today
Welllll... I don't think I did anything good for the planet today.... But my excuse was doctor's appointments! Loie had a pulmonology checkup, then we took Lennon to the Pediatrician for a chronic case of the ol' diarrhea! (cha cha cha) yes, the doctor sang the song for us, that's how we know he's a keeper! I guess, somehow, treating Lennon's tummy troubles means fewer disposable diapers... ? that works! You're welcome, Earth.
Do you think of your pain as an enemy or have you made friends with it? Where are you in your grief journey?
Well. I wouldn't say that I'm friends with it. I'd say I bounce back and forth between Anger and Depression. I think I've found acceptance, but I haven't. I still can't even say the words out loud, to myself or others, without getting overwhelmed with sadness in my heart- "My baby died." So, still working on acceptance. I don't want it to be real, even still. The anger comes from the feeling that I've been a victim of some kind of senseless crime. Like we were targeted. We were "chosen" and the gift was never ending grief. Why? And when I have exhausted myself thinking of why's and what if's and if only's then I settle into depression. And yes, everyone else will move on, because that's normal. But a part of me will stay behind, mourning the memory of Pearl forever. And that is depressing.
So I don't see grief as a journey, with a beginning and ending right now. I see it as walking an infinite loop, wearing a rut in the ground, getting deeper and deeper...
Day 19 Earth Love
Do something good for the planet today
Welllll... I don't think I did anything good for the planet today.... But my excuse was doctor's appointments! Loie had a pulmonology checkup, then we took Lennon to the Pediatrician for a chronic case of the ol' diarrhea! (cha cha cha) yes, the doctor sang the song for us, that's how we know he's a keeper! I guess, somehow, treating Lennon's tummy troubles means fewer disposable diapers... ? that works! You're welcome, Earth.
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