Three Little Birds

Well, we have some big updates to share! Loie is officially OFF her oxygen 24/7!! Her sweet little face without the canula is the cutest thing! She is loving it! And even better, she is gaining a ton of weight, so we know she isn't struggling at all :) She just had a checkup with the pulmonologist and got the all clear to continue without the O2! Yay!! We have been cautiously optimistic, but it seems she is going just great and enjoying the freedom. She also weighs 12 and a half pounds now! Her previous weight check, to now, shows that she gained about 15 ounces in 2 weeks! She used to be on the low end of the goal, but now she is above it! She is also drooling like a Saint Bernard, so she MUST be getting teeth... right?? they are stubborn though, I can't see anything peeking through just yet.  Also, Lennon FINALLY said Mama!!!!! Be still my heart, it only took 26 months, but I am so grateful to hear that word from his mouth! The other morning I walked in to get him up out...

Day 18   The Grief Shift Do you think of your pain as an enemy or have you made friends with it? Where are you in your grief journey? Well. I wouldn't say that I'm friends with it. I'd say I bounce back and forth between Anger and Depression. I think I've found acceptance, but I haven't. I still can't even say the words out loud, to myself or others, without getting overwhelmed with sadness in my heart- "My baby died." So, still working on acceptance. I don't want it to be real, even still. The anger comes from the feeling that I've been a victim of some kind of senseless crime. Like we were targeted. We were "chosen" and the gift was never ending grief. Why? And when I have exhausted myself thinking of why's and what if's and if only's then I settle into depression. And yes, everyone else will move on, because that's normal. But a part of me will stay behind, mourning the memory of Pearl forever. And that is dep...

Day 16    Conscious Gratitude Feeling grateful while grieving is difficult. Yes it is. Loie, is our daughter. She is a beautiful gift, and an amazing, sweet little stinker. But, she is NOT a consolation prize. The notion of, "well, at least you've still got the one" is so insulting. If someone tells you their mother died, you don't say, "well at least your dad's still alive, right?" its harsh and insensitive :(  They were two separate children, and the fact that we still have Loie, does not make the loss of Pearl any less. That having been said, I am grateful that we did get to bring Loie home. I am grateful for this because we almost didn't get to. I am grateful that she is defying the odds and meeting her milestones, and that she is relatively healthy, all things considered. I am grateful for Lennon. I am grateful that we have the most amazing, sweet, smart, funny little boy to be a big brother to Loie (and Pearl.) I am grateful because I know ...

Day 14   Secret Act of Kindness Perform a random act of kindness and tell no one about it. I did my random act, it wasn't much, and it wasn't anything monetary, just a little boost for somebody who might have needed the pick me up. It feels good to be nice, and reminds me that no matter what happens, I can choose to be happy and to be positive. Everyday we have the choice of how we want to feel, no one can make me feel anything. Day 15 Wave of Light Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day. At 7 pm, light a candle for all the babies no longer with us, it will create a wave of light across the world as each time zone illuminates a candle. Sadly, I'm at work tonight, so won't be able to light a candle here. But seeing all of the posts of candles and pictures of babies makes me feel like at least our babies all know we haven't forgotten about them.

Day 12   A Day to Shine Challenge yourself to spread love and let your child's love shine through. Share kindness. This is admittedly, hard for me. I struggle with cynicism and negativity since losing Pearl. Honestly, I have a chip on my shoulder. The "why me? why her? why us?" affects a lot of my day to day. But, I try to come to terms with it, and think of the kind of person Pearl (I hope) knew me as, and would want me to be. I am challenging myself to be more patient, kind and forgiving, though most days, I feel like a total jerk. Day 13   Student of Life Learn something new. I am always striving to learn something new. Researching is fun for me, so I have chosen to dive into learning about ways to help my kids. I am reading several books, my favorite right now is  Kids Beyond Limits - the anat baniel method. It is a very relevant topic for our kids, and I am finding simple, yet amazing ways to help them develop. http://www.anatbanielmethod.com/...

Day 10   A space re-imagined I have thought a lot about having a space for Pearl. When we buy a house I definitely want to have a special space for her, and for her mementos. Right now it is a little spread out. Her ashes are in one room with some little trinkets for her. I have her blankets and candles for her in Lennon's room, and we have all her hospital things in a bag in a different room. I want to have a space for her. Sometimes I will put a toy in her little basket, and I'll change it out every so often. I also need a place for her things that we did get  for her. She has her own stuffed animals and her own blanket with her name on it. She had a couple of outfits too, though she never got to wear them. It's hard to think too much about this, so it is on my to-do list for when we have our own place..... Day 11   Life is Short Obviously...  Losing a loved one removes your sense of invincibility. No matter how dire the situation...

Day 8    Rest Day 9    Clear and Let Go Clear the clutter. "Throw it away. Give your love, live your life. Each and everyday. Keep your hands wide open. Let the sun shine through, Cause you can never lose a thing if it belongs to you." Went through and cleaned out a lot of unnecessary things. Decluttering is always enjoyable to me. I don't often have a hard time letting go of clutter, I like the feeling of being "lighter" and having more space. It is freeing. So, I went through and took out several large trash bags, packed a few boxes of things that don't need to be out right now, and put them away. Part of this day was also to declutter social media. Unfollow anything that is harmful or triggering and just be done with it. There are a lot of things on social media that are upsetting, but there is also a lot of support to be had. It's a fine line. Usually if I see a post from a page that I follow, and it is doing more harm than good, I just unf...

Day 6   Bella Luna Full moon rising. The moon already makes me think of Pearl. Her middle name is Moon. Also, the girls' birthday fell on a day with a lunar eclipse. I often look up at the moon, full or otherwise, and think about Pearl. I imagine that she is up there, looking down at us. It's my little way to say "hi." For that reason, I will always associate the moon with my sweet baby. This is already a personal tradition. Maybe we can start a tradition of sitting outside on a full moon night and having a cup of coffee/cocoa, basking in the moonlight. Day 7   For the First Time A challenge to do something new, for the first time. This weekend we have family in town, and one of the first is meeting my niece Ashlyn. She is Lennon's age, a little bit older, and quite adorable! Another first was going with them to Linder farms. I loved watching them enjoy the day and exploring. They had fun on the little rides and especially going down the big slide. I love...

Day 4 Belonging There is this "club." You join this club when you are a parent who loses a child. You don't have a title as an official member- there isn't one. You join silently. You don't get a big ceremony with other members. You quietly meet them by finding them in areas of your day to day life, and you share a sad knowing smile. You feel their support and you find some solace in the fact that they are the only ones who "get it." No one wants to be in this club. I hate it. But i don't get to quit or unjoin, and I am a known member. Other people in my life now treat me as a known member. When i meet new people, i have a choice to reveal my membership upfront, or have it revealed later,  because at some point, with any real relationship, it will be. There is a sense of separateness within me. Often it is imagined and created by myself. How do I relate to people now? I don't know. Not yet.. I'm still figuring out who I am now. It's o...

Day 2 Mourning Ritual I decided to sit and hold Pearl's blanket. The purple one. The one they wrapped her in to hand her to us. It seemed so "normal", just my baby, in a baby blanket. I held that blanket and tried to close my eyes and meditate on how I want this day to be. I couldn't though. I tried to calm myself, and smooth out my breaths but instead, the tears came. That blanket must be very salty by now. I held it to my face. I realized it doesn't smell like her anymore... it used to smell like medicine,  hospitals..  that was her smell. Now, it smells like our home. My meditation was not very successful. :( Day 3 Daily Mantra The one I came up with is one that I see everyday. I got a dragonfly pendant to remind me of Pearl. Its hanging in my car. It reminds me: Enjoy Today Because, holy crap... this might be the last 'today' you'll get.

Day 1 Sunrise was at 7:44, however, first light was much sooner. Looking up at the clouds somehow makes me feel lonely today. I think i was supposed to feel inspiration, embarking on this journey of self reflection and connection to my mourning of Pearl. I look up though, and feel distance. Where is she? Up in those clouds somewhere? I know she still exists in some kind of form. In her sister? In me? I dont know and if she is here, i struggle to feel her. Maybe at the end of this we will find each other again. Pearl, I will try my best to live for you. I hope you can see through my pain and anger and know that it is there because of how much I love you. I'm not angry with you because you're gone. I'm just angry at the world for taking you. Please forgive me for struggling with this. I want to be the best mom for your brother and sister. They need me.